Gwangju Writes

Courage

Written and Photographed By Joey Nunez

Screaming both eased and ached.

But Watson could not even manage to yelp.

The destruction was complete.

Relief in a Microsoft Word auto-correct was out of the question.

Reaching for a full-inked board eraser was a waste of effort. It did not exist.

Nothing could change yesterday’s past.

What he heard was alarming, and still was:

“You are filth. You are worthless.

“Go back to where you came from and never return here.

“Never try again.”

Watson cringed, but not for long.

Rage was the next turn, or rather U-turn, along Misery Lane.

“Why did this happen to me?

“How am I the only one facing these issues?

“What could I have done differently? That is it … the problem is me.”

Watson’s veins started to bulge, his arms and legs expressing tension, and his breathing rapidly increased.

“I have to stop, but I cannot. I cannot even talk. How can I keep going?”

He relaxed. After some time was Watson’s next illuminating thought: “If I could just learn more, study more, understand more, be more like them, do what they do more, replicate them even more than ever before, copy even more of what they do, finally, they definitely will accept me. That’s it!”

But, he knew that the more he convinced himself of this falsehood, the more recognizable the permanent damages would surface.

His eyes fluttered, but not wide enough to open, just yet.

Exclusively through thinking, Waston was force-fed surrender. “Just give up,” something said. “Poisonous plants are not too far from here. The cliff actually softens the torture. Or, you have that knife. Make it quick, any of the three, or be innovative. Create your own conclusion.”

What? Never. Why? Could I?, I just cannot imagine … but what if … am I really considering this? I…I…I’m stuck.”

After some time, Watson concluded: “This is what I am now. Concealed, buried, empty. What way leads towards redemption? I sure don’t feel its peace upon me!”

Redemption was never a feeling.

It beats to a different drum, because the Truth is always to be chosen.

Watson stopped.

Exhausted and overburdened, Watson just remained still.

Thought nothing.

Felt nothing.

Saw nothing (but that was still not possible).

“You are not good.”

Watson twisted in pain, rage, confusion and hurt, more so than when he wanted to scream. Why would anything considered to be “good,” if indeed that was its nature, could say something so bad?

The Voice stated: “You are not good, but there is hope. Choose Me, walk in the Light.”

Watson could not comprehend that a solution was being offered in the midst of his chaos. “I thought they said that once the karma wheel tilts out of your favor. …”

“Stop. Just, choose Me.”

“But how can I just choose you?” Watson legitimately questioned. “What have you done that is justifiable for me to follow you like a hungry cub or a love-struck suitor?”

“The good that is lacking in you is present in Me.

“But you must choose.

“Why don’t you look for yourself?

“I am willing to wait.”

And just like that, the Voice stopped.

Watson confusingly considered: “What happened? Where did He go? How much longer will the pain last upon choosing Him? Would the pain go away?”

Watson was out of options and time. Nothing was left. So, thus, nothing was left to lose either.

Watson decided that while unsure of what Truth the Voice whispered, he would sure look. After all, the Voice presented something, but also did so without forcing Watson’s hand to comply. Watson finally expressed that curious courage we all have, or, should have.

His reflexes softened, and finally, his eyes peeled open.

Paradise finally revealed itself. The ocean spread for thousands of miles. How does one not smile? But, Watson had to get off the boulder that was going nowhere near it. He rose to his feet, laced his boots, ignored the voice to end his life, listened to the Voice to begin it instead and has never regretted that decision.

But, it took some time for him to trust that Voice. That is only natural.