Korean Sayings: “Mothers-in-law”

“A mother-in-law makes her daughter-in-law work in the spring and her real daughter work in the fall.”

봄볕에며느리내보내고가을볕에딸내보낸다.

When Koreans think of the relationship between mother and daughter-in-law, it is usually about the seemingly infinite abuse of power by the former against the latter. The concept of controversy between Korean mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is almost legendary and has long been a hot topic for dramas and movies. When did this tradition start?

Unlike what people might have imagined, Korea was not as male-family centered as other ancient societies, at least until the late Joseon Dynasty. Before then, men went to janga, a term now meaning marriage but originally meant a groom moving to the bride’s house.

Yes, you understand correctly: married couples once lived in the bride’s house, not the groom’s. However, customs and ideas started to change rapidly due to the instability resulting from the Japanese invasion in 1592 and the Manchu war of 1636. The rulers lost popularity because they could not defend their country well, resulting in complaints and threats to their status. In order to maintain power, the nobility accepted and followed Confucian ideals. Families started to emphasize patriarchy and to favor men over women. Women lost their rights to property and started to practice shi-jib, going to the husband’s house after marriage. As a result, the mothers of sons received daughter-in-laws to monitor and scold.

This column’s headlining quote describes the sort of discrimination that some mother-in-laws have practiced. While the mother makes the daughter-in-law do the harder work, like going outside to work on a hot spring day, she allows her own daughter do the easier work, like going out on a cool fall day. This implies that even though she was formally accepted as a member of the family, the daughter-in-law remains somewhat a namnam, a stranger.

Nowadays it is much less common to see the mother fiercely scolding her daughter-in-law because married couples often live in their own residence. If scolding or abuse occurs, it usually takes place during the holidays, and most families are peaceful anyway. We should not stereotype mothers-in-law as evil after watching a typical Korean drama as children. Not only are all mothers-in-law not evil, but many of their relationships with their daughters-in-law often evolve into true friendship.