Half-Truths, Whole Truths

Written by Boipelo Seswane.

It was April 2018.

In the northern hemisphere, the earth was just beginning to burst alive with springtime and new beginnings. I did the same and set off on my move to Seoul from sleepy Jeollanam-do. Twenty-nine is not considered the age of one “wet behind the ears,” yet there I was, light feet rushing forth into a new chapter of my life. Unbeknownst to me, the planet Saturn was gearing up+ to return to the position it had been at in the sky at the time of my birth. My first Saturn return was dawning on the horizon of my life – I had in truth not yet lived. And thus began all the places where my life would face a reckoning, and any parts of it that resembled a house of cards would need to come down. 

Saturn, for me, is placed right at the point astrologically known as the midheaven. The midheaven has to do with things related to our career, public self, or the image we portray to the world. Everything that touches this point is said to “stand out.” There is no quietness when, as in my case, there are several other points that additionally touch this point. The magnifying glass it holds up brings questions about how my actions or non-actions shape those parts of my life. It puts everything I become part of under intense scrutiny by asking hard questions about purpose — legacy.

— Where in my life can I release my grip and allow flow? 

— Do the relationships or collaborations I am part of water me?

— Do they allow me to move through life (in a public sense) confidently?

— What points of comfort and familiarity have been hindering my growth process?

— Are the things I pour myself into meaningful? How do they shape the essence of my life?

— Do I want to still be doing any of the things currently in my career life another twenty-eight years from now?

The last two and a half years ripped everything I know apart. I do not say this feeling sorry for myself. It is a rite of passage we all experience, in different ways, from the age of twenty-eight years or so, lasting about three years, and occurring again every twenty-eight-odd years. My Saturn return set alight a lot of fires in my life. For better or for worse, what has remained is what I have chosen to carry into the next phase of my life.

I often refer to my Saturn return as the “Beyoncé” in my life. I think here of her iconic “Beychella” performance (which, coincidentally for me, also took place the same month my Saturn return began), and the subsequent documentary Homecoming, which was released in 2019. In the documentary, she tells her dancers, “Until I see some of my notes applied, it does not make sense for me to make more.” Saturn, in the same manner, asks much of you in places you might not have felt comfortable in. In the true depths of meeting my shadow, I was brought to my knees and had nothing else left but something akin to prayer and applying or reapplying notes.

All the years you have lived are accented by lessons, and how well you do at them determines if you will face a rewrite or move on. There I was bearing the weight of my birth, my place in my family and the world. I needed to stand in all my truth and find my way back to myself. It is not an easy thing to dissect and truly look at. It demands rigorous honesty and is a process that in truth never ends. If we are indeed to become the best possible versions of ourselves, this is a process we will have to go through every so often, emphasis on often.

My process took me on an unprecedented journey to the center and encouraged me to dismantle the tower of my life from the inside outwards. In taking stock of any places in myself and my relationships that needed work, I have become even more acutely aware of what parts of pain or lack I might have unintentionally held onto. It is important to notice what might have been helpful or stabilizing at one point but has now become an emotional/psychological crutch and therefore needs to be released to strengthen the whole.

As I near the end of my first Saturn return, I am seeing with more and more clarity how I had held myself back and similarly been held back by circumstances or others. I have gone through a big process around the kind of work I want to do and be part of. Essentially, there has been a big breaking down and restructuring of the ways I want to be of service to myself and my community. In that sense, there has been a sustained questioning around discerning the spaces I choose to be in – ensuring above all that they allow me to thrive. At the time you are reading this, I will have completed my first Saturn return. I can only hope that I will also have indeed passed with anything close to a semblance of triumph. Regardless though, this first encounter will color so much of my life moving forward.

The Author
Boipelo Seswane is a Seoul-based South African artist. She is a teacher, performer/creator (actor, model, and painter), and a writer with experience in multiple facets of creativity, including writing, editing, theater, and film. She has always been interested in interrogating life through words and other forms of expression. Instagram @bopzybee