Local Loner’s Longtime Sledding Dreams Dashed

By Isaiah Winters

A little-known sledding haunt frequented by a Gwangju local has recently been demolished, denying him his main form of free winter entertainment – more at 11.

Sensing faint pangs of discontent across social media, the ever-perceptive Gwangju News dispatched its crack team of reporters to pursue a bevy of disparate leads, all of which culminated at the Cheetos-strewn bedside of a gaunt, woebegone loner for further elucidation. What follows is our earth-sundering report.

Gwangju News (GN): We must be close… the stench of Cheetos and Mountain Dew is overwhelming. (God, how prole.) Oh, there you are, sir! Hi, we’re from the Gwangju News. Thank you for buzzing us in for this interview. We think it’s crucial that the community knows your story. So, how did it all come to this? We hear you’re grief-stricken by the loss of, quote, “a mountain slope I didn’t get to take advantage of enough.”

Earnest Sledder: Yes, yes that’s right. The slope… it’s… it’s all gone. [wheezed with cheese-tinged halitosis]

GN: Please stay with us, Earnest. Your story is absolutely crucial for everyone. Plus, there’s really nothing else going on for this column in February. Tell us how you first discovered this abandoned recreational facility.

Earnest Sledder: It was December 2020. I was isolated by the virus, lost really. Covid-19 had prevented me from visiting family that Christmas, so I indulged the worst aspects of my introversion and took to nerding out on the computer, scouring KakaoMap for abandoned places in Honam. I was combing through the foothills of Taecheong-san in Jangseong-gun when I found it – my diamond in the rough – a water park and sledding slope dual-use facility, all of which was abandoned. My winters were never the same again.

GN: Understood. If our research is correct, this became a sort of winter tradition of yours – a grown-a** man in his mid-30s sledding alone down a mountain slope multiple times every winter, correct?

Earnest Sledder: Yes, that’s right. Believe it or not, I even took a friend once. He’s real. [squints one eye and burps the Dew in mouth]

GN: Our… our sleuths found that you’re in fact married, too. How’s that even possible? And can you please turn the wrestling channel down a bit for the love of God?

Earnest Sledder: Ah, the wife. Yes, when I met her, she loved rescuing animals. Somehow, we just hit it off. [wipes Cheeto dust on bedside curtain] Anyway, over the years, I came to really enjoy that slope and the surrounding area. The hikes up Taecheong-san, the free sledding afterward, and the traditional architecture nearby always kept me coming back.

GN: Well, let’s take each of those in turn. First, what was great about the hikes in the area?

Earnest Sledder: It’s a nice mountain if you want to hike alone. Almost nobody goes up there. That fact came in handy one time when I had a sort of, well, medical episode near the top. [cracks open a new can of Mountain Dew and swills it like wine]

GN: Wait, why would being alone on a mountain be good during a “medical episode?” What happened exactly?

Earnest Sledder: A few winters ago, I was badly hung over one day and decided to beat my fever chills with a rigorous hike. Everything was going well until I got a severe case of the bubble guts just before the peak. We all know what that portends. Nobody was around, so I ran behind a snowy boulder and, elbows on haunches, made a few piles as discretely as possible. The snow helped with the clean-up process, which sure beat using dry leaves. I call that episode “Snow Wipe and the Seven Peaks.” [blows snot rocket into can and sets it aside]

GN: That’s utterly disgusting. And why would anyone share such a story so freely?

Earnest Sledder: I’ve never told anyone this, but one downside was that it was that hard, old, crystallized snow that feels like a jagged rock in your hand. …

GN: …Nobody asked. And that question was merely rhetorical. Let’s move on quickly to the sledding slope. What was your favorite sledding memory before it was all torn down?

Earnest Sledder: Probably bringing my friend up there to sled with me. I lied that day and told him I’d buy him lunch at an expensive hipster joint in Dongmyeong-dong. The look on his face once we hit the highway – ha! I love treating people to my hobbies. We had a great time, I think. Poor guy’s been really busy since that day, I hear. [snorts sharply, swallows, then exhales]

GN: O…kay then. Let’s wrap this up before you foist more of your antisocial behavior on any of us. So, you also mentioned traditional architecture in the area. Maybe you can redeem this interview by talking about that. Try a little pivot to sincerity at the end, if you can.

Earnest Sledder: Sure. There’s an old ancestral shrine near the sledding slope that’s beautifully painted but falling apart. I like to stop by and take pictures of it as it decays year by year. The main beam holding up the roof has an amazing dragon painted on it. It’s truly mesmerizing.

GN: Hey, that wasn’t such a bad answer! I think we’re finally getting…

Earnest Sledder: …The dragon reminds me of Dragon Ball Z, the greatest anime series of all time. I got something similar to it tattooed from my inner thigh all the way up to my tailbone. Here, check it out. [raises a leg, struggles with zipper, then emits a cheese-flavored eructation]

GN: Dear God, don’t. Please keep it for your wife.

Earnest Sledder: Ha! Okay then, buddy. I’ll save it for the missus. Too bad she and I never got to hit the slope together.

GN: Oh, really? Why not?

Earnest Sledder: That was the goal this winter. We’d talked about it. So, in anticipation, I stopped by the ol’ slope one day just to make sure everything was still there, and that’s when I saw someone had taken an excavator and dug it all up, as if out of sheer spite. They even knocked down the water slide at the swimming pool. No idea who’d do such a thing. Right then and there, I fell to my knees, tore open a bag of Flamin’ Hots, and haven’t stopped gorging my bedridden self on them since. As you can see, my limbs have all but wasted away.

GN: Yeah, by the looks of it, you’re in the advanced stages of skinny-fat physique. We lost our first ad sales manager to terminal SFP. The magazine still hasn’t fully recovered, and this interview hasn’t helped.Anyway, we’ve got enough to fill a few pages. Thanks for the revolting content. Is there anything you want to add before we never see you again?

Earnest Sledder: I’ve got a YouTube channel with all my sledding…

GN: …Cool, thanks.

The Author

Born and raised in Chino, California, Isaiah Winters is a pixel-stained wretch who loves writing about Gwangju and Honam, warts and all. You can see some of his unique finds on Instagram @d.p.r.kwangju and YouTube at Lost in Honam.